California Purchased from Whites! BCA Created!

United Native Americans is proud to announce that it has purchased the state of California from the whites and is throwing it open for Indian settlement.

UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San-
Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the white people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in the Lakota language, and sold California for three bottles of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.

Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian Affairs, has
announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the
whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following loc-ations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South
Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong
to the whites “for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows”
(or until the Indians want it back.)

All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for the
whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any white who wants to use his land in any way must secure permission from Commissioner Brightman.

Of course, whites will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at
stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually with
one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy
of ‘The Life of Crazy Horse’.

If you are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA reservation superintendant. Applicants must have less than one year of education, must not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No whites need apply.

Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). “We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their parents,” he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the Florida Everglades, Point Barrow Alaska, and Hong Kong. All courses will be taught in Indian languages, and there will be demerits for any child caught speaking English. All students arriving at the school will
immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian language, spirituality and hunting skills.

Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to the Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern torniquet, and a large bottle of aspirin.

In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, sports teams and
products will be given traditional white names.

One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his
upcoming film, ‘Custers Last Stand’, he will use many actual whites
to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English. But of course, the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay Silverheels.